I have a lot of dreams. Im so excited. I miss you so much. P.S. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldnt do that. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? Stress. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. I am so proud of them both not only today, but always. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. Those moments mean so much to me. Im pacing the house now. Today, was not a day I expected at all. She told me she was sorry about you. Ronan. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. Please. I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. How can words comfort that? I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright. I dont know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. You know this is all Ronan. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. They cant. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened. The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. Can we talk about when you can induce me. Ronan really wanted a girl. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. Everyone else buzzed about, working their butts off to make this Run Like A Rockstar 5k run, happened and it ran smoothly. Ronan. Your questions are sweet. Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I look forward to watching what she does in regards to Neuroblastoma. I would give both of my arms for those problems. It actually felt good. I fell asleep early while your brothers played some zombie fighting video game in the living room. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. You can see the link for the website here. Ive been keeping myself busy enough because my life depends on it. Stacy is coming with me. I dont like being in our house, without you. I swear I stare at it all day long. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. I miss you. So typical. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. Not crying. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. Ronan. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. Realness. I love people like that. We shall see if I succeed this year. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. I left the mall, upset and sent my little Mandy Bee a message. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. Then perfect little boy Ronan. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. I hope you are safe. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. How could my baby be just fucking dead? Its fucking depressing, to say the least. Her secret has nothing to do with her fancy degree. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I will never understand why all of these kids are swept under the rug. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! I know you will. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. Cant a vampire/zombie catch a break around here? I would like May 9th to be National F U Cancer day. How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. It had not spread, and now that it was removed, everything was going to be fine. I would give my life for those problems. All I did was try to get in a few runs before the big event so I could actually try to make it around the lake without having to be pushed in a wheel barrel. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. I hope you are safe. Not because I dont love it. A coffee for him. I'm landing close to midnight. For you, Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Miss you. - ROCKSTAR RONAN I had a super important phone call this week. I would have chased you like the wind today. Talk about another huge sign! We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. Ronan. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. with this crazy girl hugging her and trying to find the words to tell her thank you. I sat quietly in your room for a while. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. I sat today and tried to be productive. P.S. Ronan. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. Im a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces because this little boy, was mine. I am proud, too Ronan. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. Dear lovely little blog readers. There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I would like to think so. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. I miss my workouts. I am awake now. Im so sorry for all you had to go through. http://emotionalmojo.comMy first real interview is Monday. I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. The 7th floor jumping out of our hotel window, to splatter on the streets below, did not seem like a better option. Why are you laughing. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. I woke up to a quiet house. Simple words that go such a long way. with that. Please make this about more than just science. Macy is here now. In bed? Do you think Im dying? I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Womens Center of Arizona. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. I hate the month of May. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Ron Starr. Everyone needs to check them out. Follow up plans were made. I understand. I feel like its taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. No eating required. It was my agent, Nena. I tried my best. These kids, deserve to be embraced. I love reading all of your comments. For the love that was ripped from my arms. I love that so much. I sent him a text. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. I wont tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. Welcome to our new home! Gnite. Dude. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. I called her a maverick and an outside of the box thinker.. Am I pushing things a bit? I miss you. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know Im not a fan of. We Have a NewHome! Oh, how you loved that thing. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. I couldnt take it. ! I started to cry. You are a writer, plain and simple. Your birthday is the same day as Mothers Day. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. That about broke my heart right then and there. We watched their little boys Lacrosse game. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. Come to my office. I met him there. So much so that I am wondering if Ill become a vegetarian after this. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. Depth. I dont know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. Who am I kidding? I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. For that, I will forever be so thankful. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. I just miss him so much., I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. 4 boys but there should have been 6. Alone. I used to be able to go days without crying. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Im hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. It was an emotional day but so rewarding as well. Your daddy knows Ive been having the worst time sleeping. Ronan. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. I actually got nervous as I went to not shake her hand, but to give her a hug instead. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like Im no the verge of a breakdown. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. You left him here to watch over me, for you. Stacy. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. The things you learn at 2 a.m. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. Fo shizzle. Pediatic Cancer is about to get FUCKED! I cannot believe that this is my life. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. I hope you are safe. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. I hope you are safe. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. Healthy and living and there should be nothing to complain about, ever. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. A little seal with the biggest eyes. I think Lacrosse is a good start. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. How much you hated them. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. It cannot be real because it is too awful. Please make her extra extra spicy. Its our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how Im going to take over this fucked up world. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. I very rarely know happiness of my own. Well, not insane, but intense. He knows that too. I hope you are safe. I choose to live in it. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. I love you. I told your brothers. A cold, beachy destination seems to be much more fitting. Not many people can say that about themselves. I just want you back. We talk about you a lot. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. She responded with, It might just be the BEST news ever. I called her. Ronan. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! She could not believe it. It doesnt work. Your brothers want to play as well. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Nowhere else. I cannot keep up with everything that is going on and life seems to running at an outrageous speed. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. My face seems to be constantly wet these days. I am so glad I finally got to meet her. Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. Mama! How can we make this happen? Ive been spendingmost of my days in your room. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. Ronan - ROCKSTAR RONAN It was bound to happen sooner or later. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I cant take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . Please, Ronan. I felt a connection with her that I often dont feel after just meeting someone for the first time. Today you will be slapped in the face with the reminder that everything is AWESOME in AZ because it is a perfectly sunny happy fucking day. I am excited too. Reply. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. My shot didnt hurt for me today. I only wish it were your body wearing it. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. Marisa. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. I dont miss you less. Macy. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. Her secret is not something you can get at med school. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. I think its really long and Im too sad, to continue on. I told them I would look into it once we returned home from our trip. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. Ill never forget all the pokies, we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. I went to see Dr. JoRo. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. What do you say to that? I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. I forget to write about 23 months without you. If good days existed in my life anymore, today would have been one of them. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today?